Intake file 0417
Lauren
Intake notes
- Presenting symptoms
- Believes she is shadowbanned. Streams to the facility’s security cameras after lights out. Asked staff to “tell my chat I loved them.”
- Prognosis
- Guarded.
Residents currently admitted: 3
Life After Content
Rehabilitation Centre
Helping you become less insufferable.
Now accepting creators who have fallen off.
Every year, thousands of creators fall off. Most are never seen again.
At Life After Content, we believe there is a person behind every ring light. Our evidence-adjacent programme helps former influencers, streamers and content creators log off, reconnect with reality and, where possible, find meaningful employment. Phones are surrendered at intake. Recovery is not.
Compassionate care, minimal Wi-Fi
- Screen Time Detox
- A supervised withdrawal from notifications, analytics and refreshing your follower count every eleven seconds.
- Group Therapy
- Daily sessions where residents admit they are washed. And chopped.
- Engagement Withdrawal Support
- For residents experiencing symptoms such as talking to security cameras, announcing meals to no one, and saying ‘chat’ out loud.
- Real Job Placement
- Our graduates go on to rewarding careers in food service. Visors provided.
Meet this month’s intake
Shared with residents’ consent, which they gave immediately and asked if we could tag them.
Intake file 0418
Katie
Intake notes
- Presenting symptoms
- Turned 26. Tried to give a nurse a discount code. Cannot eat a meal without filming it. Described hobbies as “for ugly people.”
- Prognosis
- Pretty, in a cardigan.
Intake file 0419
Skye
Intake notes
- Presenting symptoms
- Claims she is “just here to support” her friends. Surrendered three vapes at intake. Objected at a cousin’s wedding because it was boring. Pulled the fire alarm at 3am “so something would happen.”
- Prognosis
- Not addicted to anything. Has asked staff for a vape.
Items surrendered at intake this month
- Canon G7X1
- Phone (still live)1
- Lip gloss1
- Iced matcha latte (still perfectly layered)1
- Vapes3
- Pilates reformer1
We do not ask how.
Qualified professionals, broadly speaking
Dr. Michael Hunt
Clinical Director
Dr. Hunt has been helping creators admit they are washed since 1994. Due to scheduling, all sessions are delivered via VHS. His friends call him Mike.
Hugh Jass
Career Counsellor
Hugh specialises in careers. That’s her niche.
Nurse Denise
Resident Care
Denise believes you can be pretty without showing skin. She does not want a discount code.
Nine days to a whole new you
- Day 1
Intake. Phones surrendered. Feelings surrendered later.
- Day 2
Self-acceptance work. Mirror affirmations. Cardigans issued.
- Day 2 (afternoon)
Mindful eating without photographing the food.
- Day 4
Career guidance with Hugh Jass.
- Day 6
Overnight observation. Fire drills may occur.
- Day 8
One full minute of silence. Some residents report feeling healed.
- Day 9
Graduation and job placement. Drive-thru.
In their own words
“I don’t think I need views anymore. I might get a 9-to-5. Lol chat. Imagine me in a tie.”
“I NEED TO TELL EVERYONE I’VE CHANGED.”
“Finally. Something’s happening.”
Ready to log off?
- 24/7 Support Helpline
- +1 (555) 012-4567
Admit Yourself
Visiting hours: never. Residents may not receive phones.